High-Maintenance Girl Rules from the Eyes of a Dude

I decided to ask one of my guy friends to tell me the difference between me and these high-maintenance girls who are landing these great guys and then proceeding to make their lives miserable. I want to share the conversation with you because it makes you realize how pathetic it really is. He was trying to coach me in how to be like one of those girls! To protect his identity we will just call him DUDE.

LESSON 1: TAKE A LONG TIME TO GET READY
DUDE: The first thing you need to do is take forever to get ready.
ME: Like how long?
DUDE: At least 45 minutes.
ME: But it only takes me about 25, what am I supposed to do the rest of the time?
DUDE: Sit on the toilet and wait, but you can't ever be ready in less than 45 minutes.

LESSON 2: DON'T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING IMPORTANT
DUDE: You can't talk about anything that means anything, so don't talk about your job because you actually have one that would be interesting to hear about, no discussions of what you think about the world, what charity issues you think there are, none of that.
ME: So what should I talk about?
DUDE: Celebrity babies.
ME: But I don't know that much about celebrities.
DUDE: Read OK Magazine and US Weekly and don't ever watch anything except reality TV.

LESSON 3: GET UPSET ABOUT NOTHING
DUDE: Okay, this is a big one, you have to basically be a big pain in the ass and get upset when there isn't really even an issue.
ME: Like how?
DUDE: Like if you go out with the guy, even if he doesn't look at another girl, start yelling at him like he did. Be sure to focus it around that he thinks you are fat. Crying and getting really over dramatic is good. Basically put on whatever level of a scene it takes to force him to become desperate to comfort you. Then when he does, be sure to say you are sorry but that it's just because you are on your period and that you won't be having sex with him later.
ME: That's stupid, I don't get that upset when I'm on my period, I just deal with it.
DUDE: This is why this isn't going to work!

HAHAHAHA